Suspended...like in High School?

I was forced on three days of unpaid vacation, from my shitty cubical corporate job. All I can do is sit here feeling sorry for myself, while I wonder how I became such a fuck up. Three minutes....I was exactly three minutes late one day this week and one day last week. In other words, if I would have dragged my lazy butt out of bed 3 minutes earlier I wouldn't be at home having a pity party. I just keep cursing the corporate world, thinking of the last 5 years of my life I gave them, based on tenure alone I should get some sort of a pass right? Then again...
when did I become that person...the employee that blames the company they work for instead of taking responsibility for the issues at hand. When did I become that person that gets called into Human Resources and begins to spout out every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't be penalized for being late. Honestly....are you kidding me! I didn't become this person...I have always been this person. I have always been the one with the purse full of excuses for everything that could possibly go wrong. I was raised to be independent, and I think I took it to the wrong level. Defend myself in every way possible, even if I know I am wrong. That's how I have always been, and that's how I am today.
The question is...how will I walk into work on Tuesday and face all those fellow employees that have known all along what I am just know figuring out. I deserved to be suspended, in fact I am sure I deserve much worse. The only person to blame for my tardiness is me. So I will sit here on my laptop and type away my pitiful sorrows. How can I take myself seriously! I get three days vacation and all I can do is sit here and feel sorry That's it...I am determined to have a great time with myself...for myself! I am off...to the place where every Women goes on days like these...the Mall.

Admitting the addiction is the first step to recovery

I have been putting off making a decision for a long time now, but this past week I had to finally break down and create my ‘Season Pass’ list. I got out the Entertainment magazine that listed all the shows for fall, and I went to work. Realizing that my DVR was incapable of recording more then 2 shows at one time, I had a dilemma. Do I stick with the shows that I know I love, or take the chance and record new ones? Do I really care about Tyra’s new group of wannabe models, Jeff Probes team of misfits, or Lauren Conrad’s recent drama, or should I spend my time with McDreamy, Jim and Pam, Hiro, and Wisteria Lane? After some major soul searching…I have composed my fall line up.

Sunday: Desperate Housewives
Monday: Heroes
Tuesday: House, Biggest Loser, Nip Tuck
Wednesday: Private Practice, Lost, Americas Next Top Model, Ramsay’s Nightmares
Thursday: Grey’s Anatomy, The Office

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It should be an amazing season.

You know your not prepared for the Fall when.....

• Your sock drawer is in complete disarray, there is not a matching pair to be found. (I have gotten to the point where I following the golden rule of Out with the Old in with the New)
• All your sweaters have to be washed because they have that musty smell from not being used for months on end.
• You turn on your heater in your car or house and a nasty burning smell wafts through the air for a couple of hours.
• You continue wearing the thin fabric pants thinking you can get away with it, and in a moment of complete desperation you run to the nearest store to buy long johns. The thing is everyone else has already stocked up...so you are left with a bright pink pair that has "Peace Not War" printed all over it.
• The porch light is finally going to get its chance to shine, and as you flip on the switch it flickers and quickly dies.
• Over the summer months your other glove somehow got lost, and you end up wearing one black and one blue.

Rare Occasion

Roommate “You must have a lot of energy today”
Me “why?”
Roommate “Because I haven’t seen you clean the house like this in a long time”

Ok…so I have not only been sick for 2 whole weeks, but I am currently going to school and working full time! Doesn’t this give me a pass on cleaning????

Does anyone have any question?

My sixth grade teacher once told me that there is no dumb questions...just dumb answers. Well Mr. Teacher I am here to prove you wrong.

So here is the problem I was given in Pharmacology.

You have 500ml of fluid that needs to be filled with 2 different types of medication. This can be solved by a simple solution. Volume 1/Volume 2=Solution 1/Solution 2. Makes sense right??? Not to me it doesn't...who in heavens name came up with this bullshit.

Anyhow, it took me close to 2 hours to actually understand the formula enough to come up with one of the drug amounts. The one drug I figured out turned out to be 25ml. This is where my stupidity steps in and rears its ugly pus filled head. So I raise my hand in front of a class of 25 students and say "I cant seem to come up with the amount of the other drug, could you help me?" Complete silence filled the room, followed by quiet snickering coming from the back row. "Well Tristan my Professor says to me...If you have one of the drug amounts it is very easy to get the other one. All you have to do is take 500ml and subtract the 25ml drug that you already got. So the other drug would me 475ml right?"

I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter, and knowing that my skin was the rosiest color of red anyone has ever seen, I lowered my head and thanked the Professor for her help. To think that the answer was as simple as subtracting.....

I don't know if I will ever be able to show my face in Pharmacology again. I am completely mortified!!! Math has never been my strong suit, but I was a complete idiot.
All I can do is hope that everyone has moments of complete insanity, and just in case I am the only one with these moments...I have listed some very good reasons as to why this event happened:

1. Aunt Flow from the Red Sea decided to come and visit...and she is giving me a hell of a bad time.
2. I was just diagnosed with a sinus infection, and the antibiotics are causing some weird side affects.
3. During the last week my sleep has been limited to about 4 hours a night, do to my significant others snoring habit. (sleep deprivation has been known to cause hallucinations)
4. My class happened to take place on my Nephews birthday, and I was going through a deep depression for missing his party. (depression is a serious disease, and it is not to be taken lightly)

Scum

Without my contacts in I am considered legally blind. This of coarse posses many problems in my life, and I recently discovered a very disgusting one. Every morning I wake up and shower without my contacts in. I feel that it gives me time to adjust to being awake, before I actually see the world around me. This morning as I was blindly reaching for my shampoo I saw a pink blur on the shower floor, I ignored it, thinking that once I put in my contacts I would see exactly what it was. On a side note...I never look in my shower when I am not actually taking a shower, and since my shower is enclosed in a box of frosted glass I cannot see inside unless I actually take the time to open the door. Any how, back to this morning...as I put in my contacts and opened the shower door I was appalled at what I saw. Pink everywhere!!!! Some of you avid cleaners may not know soap scum turns pink if it is left alone too long. I was mortified and appalled at the site of it. I don't know what bothered me more...the fact that I had been showering in a nasty scum filled shower for so long, or the fact that my 20/20 vision significant other didn't seem to mind. Needless to say after I told him of the predicament he reminded me that it was my turn to clean it. So I broke out the bottle of the happy faced scrubbing bubbles and went to work, and my shower is now back to a beautiful white. Problem solved. For now.

Tagged!!!!

Ok...so I am new at this whole blogging thing but here it goes.

I was tagged by Eve at http://www.goodisenough.com/
Here are the rules to "Whats in a middle name?" Taging thing

1.) You have to post the rules before you give the facts.
2.)Players - You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3.)At the end of your post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

L Loath...even though I love to learn, I hate the actual act of going to school. Cant all classes be brodcasted online so I can wear my PJ's while I listen to the lecture?

O Overexcited...I tend to get way energetic and excited about certain things in my life. It drives my husband crazy!

U Umpire...growing up I was always the one screaming at the sidelines while my siblings fought. I remember constantly yelling things like "Jesus wouldnt like you doing that"

I Love....no that is not a strong enough word...I obsess over dogs!

S Sassy....I am one of the most sarcastic people you will ever meet!

E Excersize....I love it! I wish I could do it everyday. I would be satisfied if I was a stay at home wife, and I spent 4 hours at the gym everyday.

Who will I tag....hmmm...I dont even know many bloggers so I will tag the once I read. Sorry I am breaking the rules because I only have 4...

www.dooce.com www.davecarihernandez.blogspot.com www.amelialyon.com www.rathboneimages.com

Those with a weak stomach....dont read the following!

There is nothing like smelling formaldehyde for the very first time.
I am currently going to school to become an Animal Nurse, and with that I did expect to do some work with cadavers, but I obviously underestimated the effect it would have on me and my fellow classmates. I watched.....almost in slow motion as my Professor dumped the cats body on the table in front of me, and as the stench hit my nostril hairs with extreme force I felt my turkey sandwich curdle in my stomach and inch its way up my throat. As I choked down vomit, I took my first real look at the poor sole that lay before me.
There he was sprawled out on in front of me, paws straight up in the air...mouth completely open...tongue hanging stiffly out the side of his mouth.... the look of pure terror in his wide open crust filled eye sockets. It is as if he new right before he died that his body would be used in ways no animal would ever agree to.
This particular cadaver had obviously been dissected before, because I noticed the horrible suture job, that only a student could accomplish, reaching from his neck all the way down to his legs. All I could think of while I stared down at what was left of his disgusting body was the hope that he once lived a better life. Then I got to work.
Tonight was dental night. That's right...I got to probe, scrape and polish teeth while I worked around the necrotic tissue that would break off in large chunky pieces and fall into my gloved hand. Many times throughout this amazingly grotesque event I heard and saw students coughing and choking down portions of there lunch that they didn't desire to retaste. We worked for what seemed like forever, breaking only to rinse the cats crusty remnants that fell from his teeth.
After 2 hours of hard work I looked down at this Cats mouth and I felt a satisfaction unlike anything I have ever experienced. To take teeth from a nasty brown tartar color to a beautiful pearly white is an amazing feeling...so amazing that it took me far from the pungent carcass that lay before me to a place of great fulfilment. And even though this cat will never benefit from the remarkable clean teeth he now has, I am content with thinking that this cats body, mutilated as it may be, is now being used for a purpose. Rather then rotting in the ground where he belongs, this cat will be a learning tool for many Nursing students to come. As disgusted as I was from the entire experience, I will prepare myself for next time. So stayed tuned for rat dissection.
I will of coarse be starving myself for a full 24 hours prior to this next experience... just in case.

Large Children

I have developed a theory over the years, ever since I started in the Corporate world. You see when I was growing up my mother always told me to act like an Adult, so I would try my hardest to act like what I thought an Adult acted like. Let me tell you, I was way off! I realize now that the average Adult is just a child in a bigger body.
Let give you a few of the many examples of this theory that I have seen over the years, and you can make your own decision on weather you agree with it or not.

1.The 53 year old women who just last week screamed at the top of her lungs and ran out of a staff meeting slamming the door. (It is still a mystery as to why she did this)
2.The 36 year old women that holds conversations on the company phone with her husband, and repeatedly calls him an Asshole load enough for all to hear.
3. The 50 year old women who advised me that it is rude for me to whisper because she feels that I am talking about her!
4. The 48 year old Nurse who calls 911 during work hours to get an ambulance to pick her up because she is coughing. Needless to say...they sent her home the same day with the diagnosis of a cold.
5. The 53 year old women who asks me why I am friends with another coworker and not her.
6. The 58 year old Man who continually has to be told that he must wear deodorant, and brush his teeth daily before he comes to work.
7. The 52 year old boss who decides she likes one employee better then the next, and gives her favorites any and all the attention, while ignoring the rest of us peons.
8. The 49 year old who breaks down in the middle of a phone call to a customer crying and tells her entire sad life story.
9. The 51 year old women who screamed at the Admin Assistant because she forgot to send around a birthday card for her. This same women told the entire department that because her father was a drunk she never got birthday cards, and if we didn't do something for her birthday she "might as well kill herself"!
10. This same women in #9 cried all morning on her birthday, because the balloons and presents that we got her weren't as big as the balloons and presents that another coworker got on her birthday the week before.
11. The boss once again decides I am not one of her favorites, and tells me my reason for calling in sick was not good enough. Hmmmmm maybe she wanted me to come to work with my nasty runny nose, coughing all over her so she gets sick too. Didn't they invent sick days for that very reason...to stop the spread of colds/flu's and other nasty bugs?
12. The bosses boss holds a meeting to tell everyone that if you go out to lunch with a coworker you must invite everyone in the department. She wants to make sure everyone is involved and no one is left out. (so in other words...you have to be friends with everyone, not just a few people, doesn't that remind you of elementary school?)
13.The 30 year old pregnant coworker is called into the bosses office and is told that she is leaving her desk too much. Even after this 3 month pregnant coworker explains to the boss that she is leaving to go vomit in the bathroom because of morning sickness....the boss still gives her a "written warning". (after this write up this same prego coworker vomited in her garbage can, carrying the soiled sack down the hall past the bosses office asking the boss...is it OK if I leave my desk to go throw this away?) The prego coworker was never bothered again. :)


Now I could go on and on...but I feel that I have made my point. Theories can develop into fact, but as my Biochemist brother tells me...that takes years of research. Well bro...I have researched this theory for 5 years now! I would say this is now a fact! The average Adult is just a child in a bigger body!!!!!

The dreaded scale

There it sits....stairing up at me with its perfect sqaure self....blinking zeros....luring me to take the bate. I fight within myself, remembering the extra large breakfast I ate, that included pancakes with tons of syrup. I ponder the large Italian dinner I recently partook in, pasta, calamari, chocolate cake. Could my weekend have been filled with more calories??? I doubt it! So as I look down at the white devil sitting on my bathroom floor, I decide to turn away. Thats right! I fought temptation, and I won!
Another day perhaps, maybe tommorrow...after I starve myself for 2 or 3 hours. Maybe next week after I try the latest crash diet. Maybe next year, after I finish school. Whenever I do decide to take that dreaded plunge...it wont be today. Today is a good day. Today is the day I will feel good about myself no matter what 3 digets decide to jump up at me after the dreaded weight in.
So I sigh, squeeze into my jeans, and head down stairs for a snack. Mmmmmm....how does a brownie sound?

The King

Most people would say they can’t live without their morning coffee…I can’t live without my Howard Stern. My addiction began 8 years ago. I was just out of high school, and my mind was ready and willing for a new adventure. Stern brought me through that exploration with his crazy obsession with strippers, farting and anyone else out of control enough to grace his air waves. Stern opened up my conservative brain, dumped it out and left me with a new outlook on life. His daily antics including anything and everything on his mind, outrageous interviews with many of the “A” list celebrities, and calls from passionate fans who Stern nicked named his “Wack Pack”. Each and every morning between the hours of 6am to 10am there was a good chance I would in my car listening, laughing, and yes sometimes even crying. It was a miserable day for me when his magnificent voice no longer filled the regular radio air waves. Needless to say I joined the 7 million other loyal listeners and now pay for satellite radio, and the Stern lives on!! At least until his contract is up in 2011. Many of you may be thinking to yourself that Stern is a crass old man that likes to discredit women, but the truth is he is so much more then that. He is an honest, loyal, unprejudiced man and for those of you that think otherwise probably have heard him for 10 minutes, flipped by him on the E channel or took some right wing nut jobs word for it. Just like anything else good in life, you have to give things a chance before you decide to judge them. So the next time you hear mention of Howard Stern, just know that Stern fans are loyal because he is loyal, Stern fans are fair-minded because he is, and Stern fans will be Stern fans even after that dreadful day when he puts his glorious microphone to rest.

Herbal Remedies

There he sits leaning against the fence, swaying his head to the thunderous sounds blasting from the stage, his long greasy hair swaying in the desert breeze. At this moment nothing troubles him, not even the hundreds of people stumbling past. His whole persona exudes cool as he takes a drag off his preciously rolled joint, holding his breath before exhaling the pungent smoke. He takes a look around and as his eyes meet mine he smiles, “want a drag darlin?” I politely decline as the man sitting next to me happily takes my share. As I sit there surrounded by a cloud of smoke and a crowd of people in a drug induced coma, I realize I am living the dream, a hippies dream that is. A dream of drugs and music all intertwined to make one amazing weekend. The music stops for a brief moment and I hear someone in the band say “Something smells good!” At that split second I became aware of two little words…….contact high.