Bah humbug

Each and every year I take on the exhausting role of organizing the office Secret Santa. This being my sixth and hopefully final year at this crazy place I decided to do it one last time.

My work does Secret Santa a little bit different from the norm, because we do little gifts over a 3 week period. This could mean you get a small gift every other day, or two times a week, it is really up to the individual.

As the organizer of this lovely event I often get some very interesting comments. Below are some of my favorites from this year.

“I haven’t gotten enough gifts from my Secret Santa, I need a gift every day”

“I am not doing this next year because I hated everything I got”

“Who ever has me is cheap, all my gifts look like they are from the dollar store”

“Will you send an email to whoever has me and tell them to stop giving me gifts. I am throwing them all in the garbage anyway”

“I have gotten food every day from my Secret Santa, what do they think I am, a fat pig?”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but can we have someone else organize Secret Santa next year?”

“When does this end, I am sick of giving gifts”

“If I sign up to participate in this can I just get gifts instead of giving them?”

Giving In

Since my recent cubical situation seems to be a never ending madness that will likely go on forever.....I have decided to take the higher road.

I know what your thinking..."Tristan, you are such an amazing person. Humble and caring enough to except everyone for who they are."

THANKS!!! I KNOW!

Anyhow, I have dedicated my day to getting caught up in my cubie mates madness, and I am totally enjoying myself. I found it easier for me to just respond with outrageous comments then to ignore her, and she seems very satisfied with my responses.

Take for example this conversation:

Crazy Cubie Mate: "I am such a good cat mommy"

Tristan: "Why?"

Crazy Cubie Mate: "I read to my cat every night from her favorite books. I think it is just as important for my cat to be educated as it is for me"

Tristan: "Oh my gosh. It is so wonderful to see someone taking such an active role in their cats life. You really are a great cat mom"

Victim

We all have days where it feels as if the whole world is fighting against us. I know a girl who has these types of days every day. She is constantly complaining about the drama in her life, and she makes sure everyone hears about how everyone is out to get her. Here are a few choice quotes from her.

“The dental professor flunked me, he obviously is grading me on the fact that I am bisexual, everyone accepts the homosexuals, but no body will accept the fact that I like both men and women” (lets not take into consideration the fact that you missed class every other week, failed to do the dental practical, oh yea and you told the professor that he shouldn't’t be teaching)

“I am bipolar and manic depressive! That’s right, I am so mentally screwed up there is no medication out there for me” (she screams this in the middle of class for no apparent reason)

“I just can’t do it, OK! You can’t expect me to be able to draw blood from this dog” (wait a second…did you just say that in your animal nursing class?)

“I don’t get enough experience at this school, how can you expect me to know how to draw blood when I never get the chance” (she said this the day after she said the quote above. Ironic isn’t it)

“You have no idea what I am going through! I am a poor college student, who can barely afford to put gas in my car! Give me a break!” (She said this to the entire class of poor college students, after she didn’t show up for her scheduled surgery day. Yes you are completely right…none of us have any idea what you are going through)

Who Knew?

$17.91 spent on iTunes has bought me an addiction.

An addiction that eats away at my brain 24 hours a day.

I have thoughts of Serena and Blair and I keep wondering what they are doing at this very moment. I think about Chuck and what an A-hole he is, but how much I truly enjoy him. I think about Nate and his family, wondering how they will get through this horribly painful time in their lives.

But most of all I think to myself that Wednesdays don’t come around often enough.

The new series Gossip Girl is truly amazing. It has cured my urge for teenage drama, that I have been yearning for since the O.C. ended.

Check it out, I am sure you will love it as much as I do.

Low grade milk

I am currently learning about Bovine’s (Cows) in my Veterinary nursing class. Recently as we were discussing dairy cows we brushed over how milk is graded and what is sold or not sold to the general public.

Basically what happens is once the milk is ready, the inspector decides which milk is “low-grade” and not sell able.

What happens next is what the local dairy farmers wont tell you.

The farmers then add chocolate to the milk that is "low-grade", and the inspector then approves it to be sold in stores!

When I asked my professor why the milk is considered "low-grade" he told me that the milk is a yellow color instead of white, because there is more pus in it. This pus is not necessarily bad for you, but it is not recommended to drink on a regular basis.

That’s right people!!!

When you buy chocolate milk you are buying the lowest grade milk possible.

I guess I am right when I say adding chocolate always makes everything better.

Safest bet……buy some powdered chocolate and add it yourself.

Recipe for an Eye Sore

1 very tall, extra large, incredibly old Communications Professor
1 pair of extra tight pants

Combine the above ingredients and try to keep your eyes off the large bulge staring you in the face for 4 hours of class.

What doctors don’t tell you

I feel like this story could be written in Glamour Magazine or something, but this is true life people! This really happened to me!

A month ago I took a hefty round of antibiotics for a sinus infection. 2 weeks ago I took another large dose of a different antibiotic for the gut infection I occurred from my original dose antibiotic. Today I have a urinary tract infection from the second dose of antibiotics I took. So here I sit drinking bitter, no sugar, no nothing, added to 100% pure cranberry juice hoping the old remedy will help. Because lets face it, who knows what type of infection I will get next if I do decide to take more antibiotics.

News Flash

My cubie mate seems to have forgiven me, and is now my best friend again.

This morning I heard all about her neighbor’s dog that humps her leg and leaves wet spots on her pants.

She actually asked me what the wet spot was, and as I stared at her with my mouth gaping open she just smiled and said, "what is it, I have to know what the wet spot is".

Please help me get through this day!

My cheeks hurt from laughing so much

This weekend my better half and I got to see our favorite comedian Jim Gaffigan. It was held at the Paramount in Seattle, in my opinion the best place to see any type of show.

I want to recap some of Jim’s jokes, because I found them to be so true to life, and so hilarious I couldn’t control the tears that ran down my cheeks!

“Have you ever woken up and realized you still have time to sleep? It is like finding a thousand dollars!”

“Hot Pockets take 2 minutes to cook, and that is exactly how long they will stay in your system. They should call them diarrhea Pockets”

"There's always two Hot Pockets in every box, you know one for you to eat and regret and the other one to have in your freezer until you move. Or I guess you could use it as a measuring stick for how drunk you got. 'Yeah, I'm not going to eat that. Guess I'm OK to drive,'"

"I am healthy…because I am a vegetarian. I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"

“"I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you're with? 'Yeah... I'm not gonna see that movie. I'm gonna wait for that on VIDEO.' I mean when you think about it, it's just a commercial for the movie. You know, you never sit at home watching tv-- "Yeah... I'm not buying that cereal. I don't like cereals with raisins in 'em. ...What's your take on that commercial?”

So funny! I would recommend him to anyone and everyone that wants a good laugh.

I have derailed

Its official, I am a tattle tell! But the truth of the matter is I was sick and tired of getting emails that might get me in trouble, for heavens sake…I am hanging by a thread as it is!

So I forwarded the incriminating emails to my boss with a little note stating that I didn’t want to get in trouble for being attached to an email that had sexual innuendos, and stating that she might want to mention something to the creator of the emails just in case.

This morning I find out from the creator of the emails that she got in trouble, and that she knows who did it because she can see where everyone who forwards the emails sent them.

OPPPS!!!

I didn’t realize I was working with such a computer genius! The good news is that I think I have officially gotten her to hate me enough that she won’t talk to me anymore.

Silence is golden, and even if I will now be known as the office snitch at least I can get my work done without anyone screaming over my shoulder. Thank heaven for small favors.

New Cubical Mate

I spend 8 hours of my day in a 5x5 foot cubical, and I am surrounded by 5 other cubicles, one of which is within 2 feet of mine. I used to have the perfect Cubiemate. She was quiet and kept to herself. Sometimes we would go hours without talking to each other!!! Those were the good old days, when I could come into work do my own thing without anyone bugging me, and then go home. Let me give you a run down of how my day goes now.

8:00am-
Cubiemate: “HELLO!!! GOOD MORNING!!!!” (She yells as I sit down)

8:05am-
Cubiemate: “So last night I………………”(as she goes over in great detail what her and her cat spent the evening doing, this usually goes on until around 8:20am)

8:20am-12:00pm
Cubiemate makes constant random comments about what she is doing…if she laughs she will do it soooooo loud, and if I don’t ask her what is funny she will laugh again even louder….if she sighs, she will sigh over and over until I ask her what is wrong….even as I am writing this, she is literally making comments to me! My back is turned…I am typing, and she is commenting! I think she just said something about being the “devils advocate”. What the hell is she talking about, I don’t even engage in the conversation, I don’t even comment back to her, I thought this might help her SHUTUP, but she continues to talk.

12:00pm-1:00pm
I finally get some silence. This is her lunch hour, and I purposefully take my lunch hour right when she gets back…this gives me 2 hours of quiet.

2:00pm-4:30pm
Cubiemate- blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!
Cubiemate- sends me an email with pictures of plants that have been warped to look like male body parts….on my office email......and she forwads it to the supervisor too!


Where did she come from? I don’t understand how someone can think their life is so interesting! How can someone be so blatantly idiotic! How is it that she missed the basic fundamentals of human interaction?

Potluck Rules

Imodium is required

Never eat anything made by someone you don’t know

Don’t be afraid to throw out your entire plate of food and start over

Watch out for those people that like to pick up the food with their hands, and stay clear of those dishes

Make sure that hot food is kept hot and cold food stayes cold

IF ALL ELSE FAILS....GO STRAIGHT FOR THE DESSERT TABLE

And my life has reached a new low

I ate at McDonalds twice in one day

The point of no return

There I was, long blonde wig flowing in the cool October wind, paten leather boots clicking on the sidewalk with my man beside me in his purple leopard print suit. We were hand in hand walking in a very familiar part of Seattle known as Capital Hill, on our way to a Halloween party.

The party opened with the popular game of Guitar Hero, moved onto Twister, and then a small dance party broke out. Around midnight the house was full of 50 some odd adults slightly buzzed on all kinds of substances. Seeing where the party was headed, a small group of us relocated ourselves to a private room, where we snacked on large hamburgers and chatted about nothingness until about 2am.

As I left the secluded room and ventured into the masses, I had no idea what I was in for.

A large group of people were passed out on the couch, while others were leaning against any wall or object they could find. The small dance party turned into what looked like a bunch of zombies throwing their bodies too and fro, limbs flopping back and forth with little effort, while their blood shot eyes bulged out of their heads. The decorations that were placed with such precision and care were torn from the walls and lay in large heaps all over the house.

I began to grab my belongings with a rapid force, compelled by fear and wanting to get the hell out of the Halloween party turned mad house.

Turns out that the party continued until 4am, when in a drunken stupor the owner of the house tour the IPOD filled with party music from the speaker and yelled at everyone to GET OUT!

Thank goodness Halloween only comes once a year.

Anonymous Survey

It’s that time of year again…the time where I get the “opportunity” to fill out an Employee Satisfaction Survey.

“Your participation in this survey will provide us with valuable feedback to ensure we are focusing our efforts on employee satisfaction and guiding organizational success in the right directions”

The first time I read that statement I got very excited. I remember exactly…it was October of 2002. A time where I thought I could truly make a difference. To think I actually thought that filling out this survey would actually bring some change. Oh poor Naïve Tristan…how wrong you were.

Yet, here I sit taking at least an hour out of my day to fill out a survey that won’t even get a glance.

As I come to the ‘Decision-Making’ section I write “Maybe if I noticed a change over the years I wouldn’t think this, but I have waited and waited for my or my co-workers opinions to make a difference, and believe me they never do”

The ‘Employee Development’ section I write “I see many of my co-workers on a daily basis who have constant Quality issues. I don’t know if or where the Performance Improvement Plans actually take place, but it is not making a difference. One employee namely me, will put in excellent work, but be late 5 or 6 minutes and gets severely punished, and yet other employees extend their weekends by either Monday or Friday being out “sick”, and they never reach a level of punishment that will make a difference. This is favoritism, and it is very discouraging to me and the other employees that come to work everyday and do a great job.”

The ‘Training’ section I write “I hear many inappropriate phone calls to customers, are the employees taking customer care to a level they shouldn’t. Is there a way to have mandatory training for those employees that are consistently doing this? Is there a way to have mandatory training for employees that fall behind in their performance, and always make the excuse of not being trained?”

The ‘Teamwork’ section I write “Do I think we work as a team??? Yes we work as a team, a mangled team trying to catch up co-workers that fall behind in their performance, but a team none the less”

The ‘Commitment’ section I write “I would not recommend working for this company to anyone. Over the many years of working here I have discovered that the average supervisor/manager runs the department based solely on who they are FRIENDS with. Again, I will reiterate the fact that I feel this department is run on favoritism”

As I take my perfectly typed anonymous survey, and put it into an envelop, one wonderful thing comes to my mind.

Eat your heart out Human Resources!!!!

Manditory Lunch with Coworkers

Anyone who works with normal people might think this opportunity would be great! But I have been spending all week dreading today because of it. I even told my boss that I couldn't’t go, but she told me I had to go to support the rest of my “Team”.

I don’t think I have ever mentioned it before, but I work with some larger women. Ok…maybe not just larger, but actually very large. I have found that eating out with “larger” people is always uncomfortable for me. I think it may be in relation to the fact that I grew up with a mother that was always obsessing about her weight even though she has always been very thin.

Not only was I nervous because of that reason...but my coworkers are all on average insane and therefore I knew this lunch was not going to be a good one.

The lunch started out with all 11 women ordering Diet Cokes…everyone knows what that means right? Save on the calories on the drink and you can eat more food. Then as the food order was taken I begin to realize larger people really love their food a certain way. I heard one co-worker order a BLT on white bread toasted not wheat, extra mayo, add avocado and extra cheese, no tomato, and extra crispy bacon, oh yea….and a salad with extra blue cheese dressing on the side. The orders were all like this. I actually begin to feel sorry for the waiter because he ran out of two sheets of paper taking our order. When he finally got to me the look on his face was one of complete horror…I actually saw a bead of sweat rolling down his cheek. I ordered chicken penne pasta. Then he stood there staring at me and said “is that it?” Yes I replied that’s all I need. He walked away from the table looking defeated as he entered the very large complicated order into the computer.

As we were waiting for our food the conversation started with one of my co-workers complaining about her second husband who inappropriately flirts with ever girl they come in contact with, and how she thinks that her daughter from her first marriage is having an affair with her current husband. (Am I the only one in this crazy company that believes work and home life should be separate? Just because we were all forced to spend our precious lunch together doesn’t give you the right to open your extra large mouth and vomit all your crazy ass stories onto the table!)
Anyway, just as this same co-worker began to talk about her lack of a sex life, our waiter arrived with our food. Finally something that would shut her up! These women love to eat, I don’t think I have ever seen so many people eat so fast, and without saying a word too…a moment of silence at last. Unfortunately that moment of silence was very short lived, and so I sat there silently praying that our waiter would bring our checks and I could get the hell out!

As the check was laid in front of me I let out a sigh of relief because I knew it was finally over…but oh was I dead wrong! I spent the next 20 minutes listening to these women argue with the waiter about the 15% gratuity that was automatically added to our bill.

One coworker said “well what if I don’t think you deserve 15% tip…then what?”

Another coworker said “this is ridicules…I need to speak with your manager immediately”

And yet another coworker said “I am just going to minus 15% from my bill and pay you what I want…because it is illegal for you to force me to tip you”

The comments went on and on until finally our defeated waiter asked his manager to take off the gratuity. As we left the restaurant I looked over the table to make sure our waiter got some sort of a tip, and realized there was literally 2$ in change left for him. Coming from 5 years of being a waitress… I couldn't’t leave this poor guy without some what of a tip, so I paid my bill and left him extra, hoping that his day would be better then the last hour of his life had been.

Next time we have a prescheduled “Team” lunch, I will be taking the day off.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I woke up this morning with a very depressing thought.

Is anyone ever really satisfied? I realized that in my life there is only one thing I am truly satisfied with and that is my significant other. The rest of my life goes something like this.

I lived with my parents and couldn't’t wait to move out, I moved out into an apartment and I wanted a house, I move into a house and I hate the responsibility of the upkeep.

I couldn't’t wait to grow up and be responsible without the parents telling me what to do, now I wish I were young and carefree.

As a waitress I couldn't’t wait to work regular hours and no weekends, now….well if you’ve read my blog you can see that my work environment is insane!!!

I always want a better wardrobe, a better camera, a Tevo with more space, a better car, a high tech phone, a different job……you get the picture.

This is my life, I will continue to reach for something better, and I will continue to want something more.

If only I were one of those creatures that have a shell attached to their bodies, I would crawl right in and make myself nice and comfy.

When I was in elementary school I would dream of the day when I would be in High School, and when High School didn’t meet my expectations I would dream about College. You know the place where students and teachers can interact on an entirely different level. Where no opinion is a wrong opinion, and the professors respected you because when it comes down to it, you are paying their salary. I dreamt of missing school without having to get a parent note, and I imagined myself walking into class late or leaving early without a second glance from anyone. People I was dead wrong!

Last night in my Surgical Nursing class I witnessed the miracle of what the human mind can accomplish. I saw my professor go from calm to rage in literally 10 seconds, all from one comment from a fellow student.

Student says in a very relaxed non blaming tone: “I wish we had more hands-on workshops in this class”

Professor says face beaming red nostrils flaring: “If you have a problem with this class, you and I need to take this outside”

Student: “I don’t have a problem with this class, in fact I am learning a lot, I just wish I could practice what I am learning.”

Professor: “You obviously have an issue with me and my teaching style if you say that”

Student: “Sorry if you felt attacked by that comment, I was just saying how I feel”

Professor: “Who the Fuck asked you how you felt? Not me!!! Get out of my classroom! Now! After that comment I am marking you absent for the entire night, and I will be taking this issue to the Dean!”

The second that student left the classroom, the Professor was back to her little cheerful self as if nothing ever happened, and after that outburst I am sure wont happen again. These college students will sit back and nod in agreement to anything and everything we are told. No engaging discussion, no teacher and students learning together…

Hmmmmmmmm sounds like my dreams were wrong again. L

Temporary Insanity

Christopher Columbus was a navigator, colonizer and one of the first Europeans to explore the Americas after the Vikings. Columbus' voyages led to general European awareness of the hemisphere and the successful establishment of European cultures in the New World. (Wikipedia.com)

He discovered the “New World”! Holy Shite!!! That is a huge deal!!! Yet here I sit disrespecting Columbus and his great discovery… by working. This is blasphemy, and the worst part about it is that all the banks get the day off! I’m here in 4x4 foot cubical…while my significant other enjoys his day at home.

How can such a cruel world exist!

Crave it fortnightly

The perfect afternoon snack
Salty Crunchy Cheesy
A little joy in a perfectly shaped orange box
Who can resist the temptation?
Who can eat just one handful without reaching for another?
Certainly not me!

Back to the grind

The following conversation took place between a Coworker, and a valued customer earlier this morning.

Coworker: “My sister is like the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride”

Customer: "I am not sure I know what you mean"

Coworker: “Lets just say she is open to screwing any man that comes her way”

Customer: “Oh”

Coworker: “She is pregnant with her third child, and all three children have different daddies”

After hearing this one of my other coworkers was offended by it and talked to my manager.

Offended coworker: "I don't think it is appropriate for someone to talk to a customer like that"

Manager: "Well you obviously need to get a sense of humor"

Suspended...like in High School?

I was forced on three days of unpaid vacation, from my shitty cubical corporate job. All I can do is sit here feeling sorry for myself, while I wonder how I became such a fuck up. Three minutes....I was exactly three minutes late one day this week and one day last week. In other words, if I would have dragged my lazy butt out of bed 3 minutes earlier I wouldn't be at home having a pity party. I just keep cursing the corporate world, thinking of the last 5 years of my life I gave them, based on tenure alone I should get some sort of a pass right? Then again...
when did I become that person...the employee that blames the company they work for instead of taking responsibility for the issues at hand. When did I become that person that gets called into Human Resources and begins to spout out every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't be penalized for being late. Honestly....are you kidding me! I didn't become this person...I have always been this person. I have always been the one with the purse full of excuses for everything that could possibly go wrong. I was raised to be independent, and I think I took it to the wrong level. Defend myself in every way possible, even if I know I am wrong. That's how I have always been, and that's how I am today.
The question is...how will I walk into work on Tuesday and face all those fellow employees that have known all along what I am just know figuring out. I deserved to be suspended, in fact I am sure I deserve much worse. The only person to blame for my tardiness is me. So I will sit here on my laptop and type away my pitiful sorrows. How can I take myself seriously! I get three days vacation and all I can do is sit here and feel sorry That's it...I am determined to have a great time with myself...for myself! I am off...to the place where every Women goes on days like these...the Mall.

Admitting the addiction is the first step to recovery

I have been putting off making a decision for a long time now, but this past week I had to finally break down and create my ‘Season Pass’ list. I got out the Entertainment magazine that listed all the shows for fall, and I went to work. Realizing that my DVR was incapable of recording more then 2 shows at one time, I had a dilemma. Do I stick with the shows that I know I love, or take the chance and record new ones? Do I really care about Tyra’s new group of wannabe models, Jeff Probes team of misfits, or Lauren Conrad’s recent drama, or should I spend my time with McDreamy, Jim and Pam, Hiro, and Wisteria Lane? After some major soul searching…I have composed my fall line up.

Sunday: Desperate Housewives
Monday: Heroes
Tuesday: House, Biggest Loser, Nip Tuck
Wednesday: Private Practice, Lost, Americas Next Top Model, Ramsay’s Nightmares
Thursday: Grey’s Anatomy, The Office

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It should be an amazing season.

You know your not prepared for the Fall when.....

• Your sock drawer is in complete disarray, there is not a matching pair to be found. (I have gotten to the point where I following the golden rule of Out with the Old in with the New)
• All your sweaters have to be washed because they have that musty smell from not being used for months on end.
• You turn on your heater in your car or house and a nasty burning smell wafts through the air for a couple of hours.
• You continue wearing the thin fabric pants thinking you can get away with it, and in a moment of complete desperation you run to the nearest store to buy long johns. The thing is everyone else has already stocked up...so you are left with a bright pink pair that has "Peace Not War" printed all over it.
• The porch light is finally going to get its chance to shine, and as you flip on the switch it flickers and quickly dies.
• Over the summer months your other glove somehow got lost, and you end up wearing one black and one blue.

Rare Occasion

Roommate “You must have a lot of energy today”
Me “why?”
Roommate “Because I haven’t seen you clean the house like this in a long time”

Ok…so I have not only been sick for 2 whole weeks, but I am currently going to school and working full time! Doesn’t this give me a pass on cleaning????

Does anyone have any question?

My sixth grade teacher once told me that there is no dumb questions...just dumb answers. Well Mr. Teacher I am here to prove you wrong.

So here is the problem I was given in Pharmacology.

You have 500ml of fluid that needs to be filled with 2 different types of medication. This can be solved by a simple solution. Volume 1/Volume 2=Solution 1/Solution 2. Makes sense right??? Not to me it doesn't...who in heavens name came up with this bullshit.

Anyhow, it took me close to 2 hours to actually understand the formula enough to come up with one of the drug amounts. The one drug I figured out turned out to be 25ml. This is where my stupidity steps in and rears its ugly pus filled head. So I raise my hand in front of a class of 25 students and say "I cant seem to come up with the amount of the other drug, could you help me?" Complete silence filled the room, followed by quiet snickering coming from the back row. "Well Tristan my Professor says to me...If you have one of the drug amounts it is very easy to get the other one. All you have to do is take 500ml and subtract the 25ml drug that you already got. So the other drug would me 475ml right?"

I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter, and knowing that my skin was the rosiest color of red anyone has ever seen, I lowered my head and thanked the Professor for her help. To think that the answer was as simple as subtracting.....

I don't know if I will ever be able to show my face in Pharmacology again. I am completely mortified!!! Math has never been my strong suit, but I was a complete idiot.
All I can do is hope that everyone has moments of complete insanity, and just in case I am the only one with these moments...I have listed some very good reasons as to why this event happened:

1. Aunt Flow from the Red Sea decided to come and visit...and she is giving me a hell of a bad time.
2. I was just diagnosed with a sinus infection, and the antibiotics are causing some weird side affects.
3. During the last week my sleep has been limited to about 4 hours a night, do to my significant others snoring habit. (sleep deprivation has been known to cause hallucinations)
4. My class happened to take place on my Nephews birthday, and I was going through a deep depression for missing his party. (depression is a serious disease, and it is not to be taken lightly)

Scum

Without my contacts in I am considered legally blind. This of coarse posses many problems in my life, and I recently discovered a very disgusting one. Every morning I wake up and shower without my contacts in. I feel that it gives me time to adjust to being awake, before I actually see the world around me. This morning as I was blindly reaching for my shampoo I saw a pink blur on the shower floor, I ignored it, thinking that once I put in my contacts I would see exactly what it was. On a side note...I never look in my shower when I am not actually taking a shower, and since my shower is enclosed in a box of frosted glass I cannot see inside unless I actually take the time to open the door. Any how, back to this morning...as I put in my contacts and opened the shower door I was appalled at what I saw. Pink everywhere!!!! Some of you avid cleaners may not know soap scum turns pink if it is left alone too long. I was mortified and appalled at the site of it. I don't know what bothered me more...the fact that I had been showering in a nasty scum filled shower for so long, or the fact that my 20/20 vision significant other didn't seem to mind. Needless to say after I told him of the predicament he reminded me that it was my turn to clean it. So I broke out the bottle of the happy faced scrubbing bubbles and went to work, and my shower is now back to a beautiful white. Problem solved. For now.

Tagged!!!!

Ok...so I am new at this whole blogging thing but here it goes.

I was tagged by Eve at http://www.goodisenough.com/
Here are the rules to "Whats in a middle name?" Taging thing

1.) You have to post the rules before you give the facts.
2.)Players - You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3.)At the end of your post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

L Loath...even though I love to learn, I hate the actual act of going to school. Cant all classes be brodcasted online so I can wear my PJ's while I listen to the lecture?

O Overexcited...I tend to get way energetic and excited about certain things in my life. It drives my husband crazy!

U Umpire...growing up I was always the one screaming at the sidelines while my siblings fought. I remember constantly yelling things like "Jesus wouldnt like you doing that"

I Love....no that is not a strong enough word...I obsess over dogs!

S Sassy....I am one of the most sarcastic people you will ever meet!

E Excersize....I love it! I wish I could do it everyday. I would be satisfied if I was a stay at home wife, and I spent 4 hours at the gym everyday.

Who will I tag....hmmm...I dont even know many bloggers so I will tag the once I read. Sorry I am breaking the rules because I only have 4...

www.dooce.com www.davecarihernandez.blogspot.com www.amelialyon.com www.rathboneimages.com

Those with a weak stomach....dont read the following!

There is nothing like smelling formaldehyde for the very first time.
I am currently going to school to become an Animal Nurse, and with that I did expect to do some work with cadavers, but I obviously underestimated the effect it would have on me and my fellow classmates. I watched.....almost in slow motion as my Professor dumped the cats body on the table in front of me, and as the stench hit my nostril hairs with extreme force I felt my turkey sandwich curdle in my stomach and inch its way up my throat. As I choked down vomit, I took my first real look at the poor sole that lay before me.
There he was sprawled out on in front of me, paws straight up in the air...mouth completely open...tongue hanging stiffly out the side of his mouth.... the look of pure terror in his wide open crust filled eye sockets. It is as if he new right before he died that his body would be used in ways no animal would ever agree to.
This particular cadaver had obviously been dissected before, because I noticed the horrible suture job, that only a student could accomplish, reaching from his neck all the way down to his legs. All I could think of while I stared down at what was left of his disgusting body was the hope that he once lived a better life. Then I got to work.
Tonight was dental night. That's right...I got to probe, scrape and polish teeth while I worked around the necrotic tissue that would break off in large chunky pieces and fall into my gloved hand. Many times throughout this amazingly grotesque event I heard and saw students coughing and choking down portions of there lunch that they didn't desire to retaste. We worked for what seemed like forever, breaking only to rinse the cats crusty remnants that fell from his teeth.
After 2 hours of hard work I looked down at this Cats mouth and I felt a satisfaction unlike anything I have ever experienced. To take teeth from a nasty brown tartar color to a beautiful pearly white is an amazing feeling...so amazing that it took me far from the pungent carcass that lay before me to a place of great fulfilment. And even though this cat will never benefit from the remarkable clean teeth he now has, I am content with thinking that this cats body, mutilated as it may be, is now being used for a purpose. Rather then rotting in the ground where he belongs, this cat will be a learning tool for many Nursing students to come. As disgusted as I was from the entire experience, I will prepare myself for next time. So stayed tuned for rat dissection.
I will of coarse be starving myself for a full 24 hours prior to this next experience... just in case.

Large Children

I have developed a theory over the years, ever since I started in the Corporate world. You see when I was growing up my mother always told me to act like an Adult, so I would try my hardest to act like what I thought an Adult acted like. Let me tell you, I was way off! I realize now that the average Adult is just a child in a bigger body.
Let give you a few of the many examples of this theory that I have seen over the years, and you can make your own decision on weather you agree with it or not.

1.The 53 year old women who just last week screamed at the top of her lungs and ran out of a staff meeting slamming the door. (It is still a mystery as to why she did this)
2.The 36 year old women that holds conversations on the company phone with her husband, and repeatedly calls him an Asshole load enough for all to hear.
3. The 50 year old women who advised me that it is rude for me to whisper because she feels that I am talking about her!
4. The 48 year old Nurse who calls 911 during work hours to get an ambulance to pick her up because she is coughing. Needless to say...they sent her home the same day with the diagnosis of a cold.
5. The 53 year old women who asks me why I am friends with another coworker and not her.
6. The 58 year old Man who continually has to be told that he must wear deodorant, and brush his teeth daily before he comes to work.
7. The 52 year old boss who decides she likes one employee better then the next, and gives her favorites any and all the attention, while ignoring the rest of us peons.
8. The 49 year old who breaks down in the middle of a phone call to a customer crying and tells her entire sad life story.
9. The 51 year old women who screamed at the Admin Assistant because she forgot to send around a birthday card for her. This same women told the entire department that because her father was a drunk she never got birthday cards, and if we didn't do something for her birthday she "might as well kill herself"!
10. This same women in #9 cried all morning on her birthday, because the balloons and presents that we got her weren't as big as the balloons and presents that another coworker got on her birthday the week before.
11. The boss once again decides I am not one of her favorites, and tells me my reason for calling in sick was not good enough. Hmmmmm maybe she wanted me to come to work with my nasty runny nose, coughing all over her so she gets sick too. Didn't they invent sick days for that very reason...to stop the spread of colds/flu's and other nasty bugs?
12. The bosses boss holds a meeting to tell everyone that if you go out to lunch with a coworker you must invite everyone in the department. She wants to make sure everyone is involved and no one is left out. (so in other words...you have to be friends with everyone, not just a few people, doesn't that remind you of elementary school?)
13.The 30 year old pregnant coworker is called into the bosses office and is told that she is leaving her desk too much. Even after this 3 month pregnant coworker explains to the boss that she is leaving to go vomit in the bathroom because of morning sickness....the boss still gives her a "written warning". (after this write up this same prego coworker vomited in her garbage can, carrying the soiled sack down the hall past the bosses office asking the boss...is it OK if I leave my desk to go throw this away?) The prego coworker was never bothered again. :)


Now I could go on and on...but I feel that I have made my point. Theories can develop into fact, but as my Biochemist brother tells me...that takes years of research. Well bro...I have researched this theory for 5 years now! I would say this is now a fact! The average Adult is just a child in a bigger body!!!!!

The dreaded scale

There it sits....stairing up at me with its perfect sqaure self....blinking zeros....luring me to take the bate. I fight within myself, remembering the extra large breakfast I ate, that included pancakes with tons of syrup. I ponder the large Italian dinner I recently partook in, pasta, calamari, chocolate cake. Could my weekend have been filled with more calories??? I doubt it! So as I look down at the white devil sitting on my bathroom floor, I decide to turn away. Thats right! I fought temptation, and I won!
Another day perhaps, maybe tommorrow...after I starve myself for 2 or 3 hours. Maybe next week after I try the latest crash diet. Maybe next year, after I finish school. Whenever I do decide to take that dreaded plunge...it wont be today. Today is a good day. Today is the day I will feel good about myself no matter what 3 digets decide to jump up at me after the dreaded weight in.
So I sigh, squeeze into my jeans, and head down stairs for a snack. Mmmmmm....how does a brownie sound?

The King

Most people would say they can’t live without their morning coffee…I can’t live without my Howard Stern. My addiction began 8 years ago. I was just out of high school, and my mind was ready and willing for a new adventure. Stern brought me through that exploration with his crazy obsession with strippers, farting and anyone else out of control enough to grace his air waves. Stern opened up my conservative brain, dumped it out and left me with a new outlook on life. His daily antics including anything and everything on his mind, outrageous interviews with many of the “A” list celebrities, and calls from passionate fans who Stern nicked named his “Wack Pack”. Each and every morning between the hours of 6am to 10am there was a good chance I would in my car listening, laughing, and yes sometimes even crying. It was a miserable day for me when his magnificent voice no longer filled the regular radio air waves. Needless to say I joined the 7 million other loyal listeners and now pay for satellite radio, and the Stern lives on!! At least until his contract is up in 2011. Many of you may be thinking to yourself that Stern is a crass old man that likes to discredit women, but the truth is he is so much more then that. He is an honest, loyal, unprejudiced man and for those of you that think otherwise probably have heard him for 10 minutes, flipped by him on the E channel or took some right wing nut jobs word for it. Just like anything else good in life, you have to give things a chance before you decide to judge them. So the next time you hear mention of Howard Stern, just know that Stern fans are loyal because he is loyal, Stern fans are fair-minded because he is, and Stern fans will be Stern fans even after that dreadful day when he puts his glorious microphone to rest.

Herbal Remedies

There he sits leaning against the fence, swaying his head to the thunderous sounds blasting from the stage, his long greasy hair swaying in the desert breeze. At this moment nothing troubles him, not even the hundreds of people stumbling past. His whole persona exudes cool as he takes a drag off his preciously rolled joint, holding his breath before exhaling the pungent smoke. He takes a look around and as his eyes meet mine he smiles, “want a drag darlin?” I politely decline as the man sitting next to me happily takes my share. As I sit there surrounded by a cloud of smoke and a crowd of people in a drug induced coma, I realize I am living the dream, a hippies dream that is. A dream of drugs and music all intertwined to make one amazing weekend. The music stops for a brief moment and I hear someone in the band say “Something smells good!” At that split second I became aware of two little words…….contact high.

The most misused phrase in the English language

"I could care less"

Everyone has said it, everyone has heard it being said, and yet few people seem to point out the pure stupidity of people using this phrase. I don't claim to be a master of the English language. While reading this blog you will run across many spelling/punctuation errors, but this phrase alone can drive a women crazy!

Understand the context in which you are using this phrase... it is often used when describing something that one has little or no interest in. "I could care less about sea food" Say it back to yourself..."I could care less about sea food", "I could care less about sea food" now some of you might be saying to yourself "yea that makes sense, they don't like sea food, right?" WRONG!!!!

When you say "you could care less" that means you actually could care less!!!! If you could care less then there is the strong possibility that you enjoy sea food. If you really don't care for something you should be saying "I couldn't care less" GOT IT!!! Meaning there is no possible way that you will ever care any less for sea food!!!

So lets start today folks, and slowly change the world together. Say it with me "I coudn't care less", "I couldn't care less"

Ahhhhhh its like a breath of fresh air!

Don't be afraid to correct those around you who abuse this popular phrase. We can do it together! We will stop the insanity!